Category Archives: Craptastic

The Final Plague

This morning, our washer made two clunks in the middle of the wash cycle (How Ominous, I Know) and then left our home for The Laundry Room In The Sky.  I cannot say that this was totally unexpected as again, like the furnace and the water heater, it was an original-to-the-house appliance.

BUT.

I think we can all agree that there has been quite enough Pestilence.  My father-in-law jokingly called this the 10th Plague and seriously guys, he wasn’t really wrong.  In the spirit of Our Upcoming Holiday, it is only appropriate to recap what has Fallen Upon Our House In The Last 12 Weeks:

My car got a flat tire, my car battery died, Marcus’ car got rear ended, his car’s transmission tried to darken death’s door but was saved by a second opinion, we had to replace our furnace/water heater/microwave, I got an ocular migraine and was subsequently sent to the ER, got mastitis, and I had two moles removed and biopsied.

My mother-in-law’s car was rear-ended in our driveway,  I got a horrific head cold, the furnace people neglected to reconnect our air conditioner which we did not discover until the temperatures were ranging into the mid-70s.  A hive of bees made its home outside of our front door.

The washer died.

Dayenu.

I’m not recapping all of this again because I’m begging to be pitied (though I did actually shed some tears this AM because OMG ENOUGH AND WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING).  I’m writing it down so that someday, when Little Critter joins our family (a long ways off, to be sure), I remember that all of this super insane stuff happened while Critter was just a wee pup and it all turned out Fine.

Not only did it turn out fine, but at the end of the day, Critter is a healthy, thriving baby boy and that is really all that matters.  All of this is survivable, or merely an inconvenience, as long as he is Okay.  We’ll just keep leaving a wake of destruction and dollar bills and watch the days race by as he continues to grow.

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Next scene, please.

Today at work, I got a stress-cramp in my neck.  Sassy.  I ended up working it out on the treadmill (employing the theory that if the rest of my body was miserable, my neck could not possibly be).  On the bright side, since I’m going to see the doctor tomorrow for my check-up, if the feeling persists in the morning, I can always round up some pills.

AND, since Marcus had class tonight (aka I do not ususally see him on Thursday nights), it was an oven fries night.  Yes, I ate WAY too many fries and yes, they were totally delicious.  On the basis that I made them myself, and there are no “secret” ingredients (as in, I can imagine what everything that goes into this dish looks like in nature) I refuse to engage in any self-loathing.  In my defense, I also steamed some green beans that I had lurking in the freezer.  Topped with the tiniest sliver of butter, salt, pepper and some parmesan cheese, they were absolutely what I was looking for in a vegetable-side for tonight.  To round the meal out, I also enjoyed the remainder of a bottle of La Finca Cabernet Sauvignon.  If you’re looking to leap into the $4 price point for wine at Trader Joe’s, the La Finca reds (Cabernet Sauvignon and Malbec) do not disappoint.

To be honest, all of this aside, I have no idea of where this week went.  It felt like one of the longer weeks I’ve lived through and to top it off, I went through the entirety of today believing that it was still Wednesday.  Sick.  See you friends tomorrow!

Beating Monday at its own game.

Mondays are always so special and adventuresome.  Last week, I bit it on Marcus’ driveway, rolling out with a sassy bruise and some scrapes on the entire right side (my right) of my right calf.  Paula almost burned down his house with the toaster oven.  Special.

Today, in the bathroom at work, I discovered that one of my favorite skirts had a rip in it…IN THE BACK.  Sassy.  We’ll classify that one as taking business casual a little TOO far.  But seriously, what are you supposed to do when you’re at work and you have an honest-to-God wardrobe malfunction?  I went Laura Ingalls-Wilder on that mess and sewed that gaping maw right back up.

I refuse to let that define my day.

Last night I downloaded Yoga STRETCH and Yoga RELAX for a whopping $0.99 each from the App store.  That brings my total yoga cost thus far to $3.97.  I was able to snag two yoga mats from my parents (one for my place and one for Marcus’ place…for the record, the one at my place is pink and the one at his place is blue) for free because they briefly dabbled in yoga and decided it wasn’t really their scene.  So why more apps?  More poses and more combos friends.  This.is.serious.  I’ve gotta have a hot Hawaii bod.

What else is lovely?  Free stuff.  Example A: Groupon.com.  I tweeted my referral link last week when I bought a moto-i giftcard that was running $20 for $50.  That’s a deal I say yes to.  But what makes the situation sweeter is that if people use your referral link and buy their first Groupon off of it, then you get a $10 referral credit.  I got $20, which you had SO better believe is going to another Groupon of that ilk.  Example B: I Yelped the horrifying experience that the ladies and I had at Bacio in December.  Which was made doubly horrifying because it is my favorite restaurant.  Bacio’s owner contacted me via Yelp and asked me to e-mail him with my contact information so that they could make it right. Rock.on.

And finally, in the spirit of The Freezer Diaries, I defrosted some tortilla soup to enjoy for lunch this week, and tonight I made egg bake (and mini-meatloaves with the other half-pound of ground turkey).  Which helped me to get rid of the last three slices of a loaf of bread I was saving for a rainy day and the aforementioned ground turkey.

More to Love

Oh, dear God.

You all know that I love trash t.v. especially when it is reality.

So after going cold turkey at the end of Rock of Love: Bus, I knew not where my next show would come from. Imagine my joy when I heard that FOX was creating a show called More to Love. It’s a The Bachelor with plus-sized girls and a bachelor. Originally I thought I would love it, but not so. It challenges the boundaries of depravity.

The show is completely and utterly tragic. They didn’t pick overweight girls who had a lot of relationship experience, they went out of their way to cast girls who had never had a boyfriend, never been kissed, were picked last for everything, and so on and so forth. So instead of the normal catfighting that you can reasonably expect, instead you get these girls with no self-esteem standing in front of the camera that saying that just this once, size doesn’t matter and that this man is really “the one” that is going to love them for what’s inside. Then, on their group dates, they make declarations about how great it is that they can spend time with a man who doesn’t care about how much they eat or what they eat when they’re with him. When they’re hanging out on the patio back at the house, they make declarations about how smitten they already are with him. Its is actually painful to watch.

This is contrasted with “Luke” our bachelor, who says cliche-d things about how attractive they are and how he “loves” big women in a kind of scripted, forced voice. And then he does horrible things, like bringing the a group of girls to the pool for their first date. Natrually this is a failure, because signing up for a t.v. show does not mean that there is a sudden boost in one’s self-concept. So, in a last-ditch effort to get them to take their clothes off he proceeds to liquor them up and then cannon-balls into the pool.

This is topped off by the fact that the logo for the show is a pave diamond-set wedding ring. Rather than having a rose cermony at the end of each episode, they wear these rings as promise rings and Luke re-distributes them in a similar fashion to those that are staying. Like, SERIOUSLY? Whoever it is that came up with this show idea is a really sick person.

Its the black plague…or something

I have five days of class and two papers left until I AM DONE WITH SCHOOL!

Which is thrilling.

Except for the fact that I naievely assumed that this year, I would not be coming down with the plague at the end of the school year, especially since last year was such a treat.

Pretty sure that I’m barreling full speed ahead to another doctor’s office visit. Given that I have a gnarly-sounding cough, am constantly thirsty, and in an effort to fight the war through Vitamin C have probably drank an entire bottle of orange juice in the last 24 hours.

Oh, and I almost forgot…the always being thirsty part. I would say that I am more hydrated than most people, but right now, I am in a perpetual state of feeling as if I am wandering the desert.

Rock on.

A new low.

This evening whilst channel surfing at Marcus’, he and I along with Tom discovered a new and most bizarre t.v. show on FLN, which is apparently “The Fine Living Network.”

It’s called “Bulging Brides,” and after the show was over, we came away with the sense that it was a sort-of “Biggest Loser,” for girls who realize that they’re too big for the wedding dresses that they bought two sizes too small approximately six weeks before they walk down the aisle. In the episode we were watching, the bride bought a dress with a corset that had a three inch-gap in the back. Who would ever actually walk out of the store with something that fits like that? It would be the same as walking out of the store with a pair of jeans you couldn’t zip OR button up.

Really, its just a new level of shame. Remind me if I ever sign-up for a reality t.v. show that I am not allowed.

Down to the final two.

It seems so long ago that Rock of Love: Bus was just beginning.

The highs were so high, the lows were so low.

As the season progressed, it became apparent that many of the contestants vying for Bret Michaels’ love were actually strippers. Not that this was shocking, given their choice of apparel. Many of the women had children. One highlight of the season was when Kelsey got so wasted at one of Bret’s concerts she ran away from the hotel, only to pass-out on a speed bump.

And next week, with just Mindy and Taia (whose real name is Laurie?) left, we will learn if Bret really did manage to find love amidst all of that trashiness or if his penchant for scantily-clad, intellectually vacant women will betray his yearning for love once again.

I hate to say it, but I will so miss this show when its gone.