Reverb 14 | Prompt 4 | Do Over

#reverb14 is a prompt-a-day series for the month of December that is meant to give us all the chance to reflect on 2014 and the opportunity to write down our hopes and dreams for the coming year. Through December 31st Meredith,Sarah and I will be posting each day with a new prompt. Join us by writing, or join us by reading. No matter what you choose, come with us.

Do Over: Hindsight is the one thing we never benefit from in the present.  Is there one moment you wish that you could do-over?

I really wish that I would have known that the months of June and July were never going to be okay.  It would not have changed what happened, but it would have changed how I reacted to them.

It would have changed how I treated myself.  Because instead of being gentle to myself, I was harsh.  I am a professional at tearing myself down.

It would have changed how I treated other people.  Because when you’re already rubbed raw, it becomes twice as hard to extend the kindness to others that you cannot extend to yourself.

It would have changed how I asked for and accepted help.  Because instead, I kept on waiting for things to be fine and I kept on telling myself that everything was fine.  I didn’t need help, because everything was going to be okay!  Soon!

Because that’s supposed to make everything okay, right?  I thought that putting one foot in front of the other and capturing some momentum was what I needed.  But kissing a boo boo to make it better wasn’t the fix I was looking for.

At the end of the day it was Not Fine and what I really needed was a shelter to wait out the storm.  I needed to know that it was okay to be Not Fine and that being Not Fine was actually part of the process, not just a starting point.

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