Need it now.

Internet, I need a wife.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite pleased about the fact that Marcus and I are “living in sin,” as it were.  My clothes?  All in one place.  My groceries?  All in one place.  Everything I need to run the kitchen I want to have?  ALL IN ONE PLACE.

And I don’t even need to say it because y’all already know, but did I mention the wireless internet and cable? 

So modern.

I am a Domestic Goddess and a Working Woman.

Except for the fact that I did not sign up to have two jobs.  I have no interest in doing two jobs.  It’s just not what I do.  I am a one job girl.  Obviously. 

I get that some people think that “having it all” means being able to successfully run a home AND have a job, but that seems like some sort of man-slang for Queen Pack Rat.  For men, “having it all” means having one job.  Period.  And a woman by their side that “has it all.” 

I hope you’ll understand that it all sounds a little bit hinky to me.

Seeing as my days of yoga, lunching and chardonnay are not even remotely near, I’ve decided that the easiest way to address the situation, is to get a wife.

So what will my dream woman do?  It’s quite simple, really.  She will…

  • Intuitively know how to deal with everything on my “honey-do” list, including the tasks that involve putting away objects in obscure places knownst only to me.
  • Know exactly the way that I like to load the top rack of the dishwasher and how I discriminate between what is “top rack material” versus what belongs on the bottom.
  • Be readily able to run errands for me, including perfect execution of our weekly shopping list as well as the ability to shop for make-up, shampoo, and other lady toiletries.
  • Surprise me with the odd small skinny vanilla latte from Caribou.

This sounds like the right sort of game plan to me.

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