“Millionaire Matchmaker” has returned to Bravo. I brushed this show off as trash until I was recovering from severe food poisoning two years ago. I spent three solid days lying on the couch, looking like a sub-Saharan starving kid with a belly full of parasites, watching a “Millionaire” marathon. I was completely hooked after two episodes. Pattie pulled me through my illness with her straight-talk, no-bullshit baditude.
My favorite Patti-ism: Patti was trying to explain that men are visual creatures and women can take longer for attraction to set in. She got all worked up at the camera (I love it when she gets worked up and starts flailing her arms. It makes her muppet resemblance so real) and said, “Men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots.” Pure gold! So true on so many levels! This woman is a genius. I can easily overlook her blatantly mean comments about the women with short hair or weird noses because she speaks the truth.
The other part of the show that gives me the warm fuzzies are the millionaire bachelors themselves. Do you feel bad about being single or having a non-millionaire boyfriend? You won’t after seeing the freaks Patti dredges up from the bottom of the money lake. “Money does not buy social skills” could be the alternate title. Awkwardness abounds. You’ll squeal in delight under your snuggie as you watch socially clueless (but somehow wealthy) men try to make painfully awkward small talk with women. You can make it into a drinking game by taking a shot every time you see a woman looking offended, remorseful, or regretful. Looks that makeup cannot hide.
-Martha
